If Corporations WERE people - Their Townhall Meeting

“Corporations are people, my friend…” Crazy as it sounds... But, what if they were? Could they have a say in passing laws to guarantee their rights to civil unions? Would they ever break off in factions of adolescent corporations questioning the smug, bloated wealth of their parents, rebelliously, or would they fall in line and take those extra-curricular off-shore banking accounting courses? Would they be in favor of home schooling to further segregationist ideals or would they work for peace in the community, cleaving to Anti-Trust laws just to get back at their parents? I think you know. Share this sneak peek into a townhall meeting that might occur in one such reality and hear for yourself how they banter about each of their biggest concerns:

Donald, Inc.: It is my firm belief that the words, “You’re fired,” are among the most sexually charged words that could ever be spoken by our kind. It demonstrates the type of exaggerated and exalted entitlements possible, awarding the prowess of power while cropping piddly-paychecks of broken and disillusioned people into historical references in a pile of paperwork (begging for the illusion of food entitlements that can be held up for up to 45 days.) It is efficient, it diminishes consumer options, helping to drive up the price for everyone else. It’s a win-win solution for all of us here tonight. I know business! <<slams fist down powerfully on desk despite large stoned pinky ring>> It runs in my golden veins!

Mitt, Inc.: Well, you can worry about any segment of the market if you want, but I deal in high-end consumerism and that means that at least 47% of that market is dead to me anyway. Another significant percentage will spend beyond their limits, allowing us to accrue necessary business tax write-offs, gut their assets, decimate their community and still make "T-off" by 4:00. If we take this route, we can be more certain that we will keep our money from supporting any government that might have the balls to try to tie corporate hands. We did, after all, rise to the top of this coffee like the cream we are! <<secretly, and all the while, wanting to get home where he could belch and scratch freely, wanting to be away from annoying and fictitious corporate courtesy. A weasel who would backstab and eat his own kind as easily as he chews them and spits them out.>>

Sara, Inc.: First of all, I would like to offer embarrassing discussions about the vagina that will deepen the taboo on conversations about “legitimate” rape and the murder of unborn American consumers and labor workers. We won’t want them to live as well as us, (I mean, how could they) but we never intended to get rid of all of them. Who will wash my dishes and cut my grass? No, no, sillies, let's be mavericky about it. So far, our plans are only to roust out the red people that came with the land we got by clever coupe’. They keep aggravating us about silly things like pipe lines and wild life. I mean, what good is wild life if you can’t eat it or make a coat and muffs out of them? Or, who could hate pipes when there are so many profits running through them? I like riding in helicopters, shooting wolves, and looking at Russia from my back porch, so I don’t have time for too much more chit-chat. I might just quit …

Ryan, Inc.: <<putting on chef’s hat>> I like what’s cooking right now. We have confusion and mayhem over guns laws, civil union blocking, and a possible overturn of the 1965 Civil Rights Act. <<putting on military uniform hat>> VICTORY! The War is Over! But the profits from overseas arms treaties are going to pay for my next “slumming excursion” so I can prove that I can say, “100% for the cameras.” Wash that plate, lift that bale-out! ha ha ha hiccup! <<Putting on Jason Hockey Mask, eyes still narrowing behind it to scare himself for effect>> If we can keep on the happy mask until the last minute, they don’t see us coming when we wear our Halloween masks. We can declare a code RED and ... well, red, and we can gouge freedom so much more and we can KILL KILL KILL progress under the Black President. <<raising a pirate binocular to his eye” I can see the future, and we already won the election.

Murdock, Inc.: OK, all that is well and good, people, but we still have to destroy a Black President and you are all sitting around and talking about party games. I had to throw a going away party for a big chunk of my assets and I am still waiting for the fucking return! In reality, we must be willing to lose some money, billions and billions of Dr. Evil seed money. We have to burn holes into the pockets of crooked politicians so we can plant some good news or bad news depending on their compliance ratio. We know who we bankroll, but it is our silent, evil mob right to present as little information as possible about it. I want to get some pizza. Call citizen Schnattner, Inc. and see if we wants to do another busines promotion to only us again...a private show that comes with nude women, inc. who will jump out of a cake... <<psyche! I'm only saying that to tempt Mitt, Inc. into another crazy publicity stunt that will stop people from asking questions about what he was doing behind closed doors with Israel's Kinnessett, or if his dog really shit all over the car beause of the turkey he stole off the counter or if it was over the latest public poll on the guy bankrolling his way of life in his crate from the top of his strange and scary rolling world.>>

Chaney, Inc.: <<speaking to someone off camera that is apparently in his sleeve>> Quit stalling, Pinky! You know what we’re going to do. The same thing we do every night… try to take over the world! I’ve got my schemes in perfect astronomical conjunction with the miseries of the world. We must continue to propel a crescendo increase in the global warming that doesn't exist. There are pointless overseas wars that someone else has to be found to die for that still has to be instigated. We’ve got to continue the moving around of illicit stock piles of chemicals of mass destruction to emerge with during a haphazard press release so we are not left holding an empty bag next time. I won’t be able to make the next town hall meeting, I’ve got my annual deer hunting and shoot-a-friend-in-the-face trip planned and we’re going to have to keep working on removing the number 9 from American use. I want to strip them of the possibility of bringing up 9/11 one more time. Don't people see a milked to death cow when they see one? I made my bed, now I’m going to blow it up.

Scalia, Inc.: You are all amateurs. Our town hall meeting should be focused on a change of fashion for SCOTUS because I keep tripping on the god-damned hem every time I am reaching into my ass to pull out some lame argument about Law that has to be construed into the NEW RIGHT ANGLE, meaning 360 degree corporate entitlement, buried in filibuster meant to elude loophole elimination in the corporate tax bracket of the 0%. We’re so small, less than 1%, that we are virtually invisible. And that’s the way our bank accounts like it! We have to outlaw cursive handwriting behind the scenes, now that it has been taken out of schools, because we don't really need people trying to read the original documents of America's founding if we want to exclude their rights under consideration of OUR version of the Law. Besides, I want to bring back powdered wigs now that I have lost most of my hair. How come I have to go into history as one of the only painted bald guys on the bench?

……………………………………………….TUNE IN NEXT TIIME when David Corn from Mother Jones will bring us a secret video tape of these perverse proceedings, like he did another time.

UPDATED 5 27 2013: http://occupydemocrats.com/l-a-voters-approve-only-people-are-people-resolution-against-corporate-personhood/  LA Voters Approve "Only people are people" resolution against corporate personhood.


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